Lesson Learned

Now generally, most people would say that nothing is more important than taking a break out of your Saturday day to take your dogs to Petco for a quick picture with Santa Claus. It seems like a good idea, and really how long could it take? Five minutes, a half hour at the most probably. And the cards will be priceless.

WRONG!!

Try more like 45 minutes, which seems more like an eternity when you're dealing with a 10 month old Husky who thought he was going to the dog park, and sees no problem with vocalizing his desires to play with every dog in the vicinity (and somehow these whines are much louder because something Petco may not tell you is that their store has a tendency to echo 3x more than any typical building in the world). Then, finally you think you're done, when the weird photo lady snaps some awful pictures (in which your dogs look like they are in serious pain and may run directly into the camera at any given point). At this moment, you are told that it will be a half hour to an hour before your picture is available.

So, now you decide to just leave and come back. Approximately an hour and a half later you arrive only to wait several more minutes, while a girl picks out pictures on the computer for her $300 photo package. Finally you are told that you are actually in the wrong line because they have changed how the free photos work. You then have to tell the store clerk which dogs are yours, and point out your picture. To your frustration, you realize that half of one of your dogs is cut out of the picture, but even more upsetting, the white backdrop that was behind Santa has not been taken out. So while customers who purchase the $300 gift packages are very satisfied with the computer graphic background they are given in place of the "white screen", you dear friend are forced to accept that you spent two hours getting a picture that will inevitably end up in the trash can.

Lesson Learned: Next year have your significant other dress up like Santa Claus. Either that or get your portly step father to wear red and get him drunk enough to forget that he hates dogs and would love to have his picture taken with them. Not sure which one is more likely to happen. Something to try out before the world ends in 2012...

The Dragon Wakes Again

All things are possible and it seems that the sleeping giant otherwise known as Becca the Invincible, Becca the Enchanting, Becca the Quintessential Enthusiast for all things involving Health or Lack Thereof is awake and her fingers have a lot of typing to make up for...


Many will soon follow

Enchanting Woman Holds the World In Captive Mystery

Now We've Really Struck Gold

Notice to the Public: I would be willing to pay for any Shaman classes you're interested in taking so you can spiritually heal me already. Spread the word!

The Dream Job

I think I may have finally found the job I was meant to do my whole life. Too bad it's only part time...

Spiritual Healer Needed

It's been one of those weeks where my mind drifts to the snow white clouds and I wonder to myself where can I find an ancient shaman. You see, I have many ailments, and depending on the week or month can even have more ailments than my sister. I wonder how much it would cost to have a spiritual healer person come over to my apartment and perform some rituals to rid me of my excess pain. I think I would like him or her to kiss my achilles tendon and rub snake skin on it. Then they could pour some beetle juice down my throat and end by chanting some magical prayer. Do you think Craigslist has this? I bet it would work. The question is, though, how much would I have to pay and would I be able to videotape it so I could play it over and over again to the delight of my friends and family.

Yo, Debz, maybe we could get a two for one deal. What do you say?

Lady Refinement and Short Skirts

once again it's getting to be that time of year where women are able to sport the miniskirt. Considering that my wardrobe has not seriously been updated for about 7 years, I have quite the AE skirt collection. Now, I don't think that any of these would necessarily fit the way too short category, or for that matter even some the "miniskirt" category (I'm 5'2" I mean nothing really is going to be that short on me!). However, I am starting to ponder whether or not it is appropriate any longer for me to wear these articles of clothing. I'm not particularly upset by the way my thighs look or anything, I'm just beginning to think maybe 24 years old is too old for such attire. But, I really don't like short shorts and in a couple of months it will be too hot to wear the long shorts that hit me past the knee. My boyfriend's advice, naturally, is that I can never go wrong wearing a mini skirt. But, I don't really value his opinion that much! (I hope he's reading. In which case, I'm just kidding : )

Please vote and let me know. And if your vote is it's time to get rid of them, what is my short skirt replacement?

Boys can be Gymnasts Too!

Always rigid in my rigid stereotypes, I have always held the popular belief that women were more flexible than men. Of course, right, who in their right minds would ever think it could be the other way around!!!!! WELL, honey, I've got news for you!


In the last six months or so, I have been dare I say "introduced" to the gymnastics of males. No, I'm not talking about any nasty bedroom circus routines; I'm actually referring to kids too when I say males.

I think it started with an extremely unique 6th grade student, who the other kids at my school adoringly call "Starboy". (He himself, prefers to be called Coco, which is the nickname he created for himself, but the story of this and his homeland Cocostan may have to be reserved for another day). My interest in Starboy began when on the third day of school I turned around from writing on the board to find him completely under his desk balancing his body on one kneecap with the other leg arched out at about a 75 degree angle. Since then, he has amazed me with similar antics, my favorite one probably being a stunt at the last school dance where he managed to lower his legs down into the splits position, stopping just inches from the ground so that his mouth was at the right proximity to munch on a giant cupcake that he placed on the floor in front of him for such reason (really probably the funniest thing I have seen in my new adult life).

I could write "Starboy" off as one of those delightful freaks of nature, if it weren't for other recent unrelated events, such as another random 7th grader doing a cartwheel down the hall in his trek from room 801 to 802, or the tantillating observations I've made in the past two weeks while the gym students are forced to dance. I've been very impressed with the flexibility of these boys.

Ok, so some junior high students are minor league acrobats. Apparently, this is not a talent that some owners of the Y chromosome grow out of. I had never known my boyfriend, Mr. Ashley Bennett to be super acrobatic. However, since he's gotten the puppy and I've starting paying more attention to it than him, he's had to result in carrying out puppy-like maneuvers himself in a fetish attempt to regain my eye. The acts have included several somersaults, flips, off the wall jumps, and of course your standard stand on your head upside down move (don't think I've seen Ares do that trick yet).

I guess boys always had the skill, I just never had my eyes completely open to it. Let's remember, everyone, that boys can and are gymnasts too!

O-O Puppy Breath

So Ares Ino Bennett has finally come home, and I must say he is a cutie (during the day, at night he likes to do what all fresh from the farm puppies do and howl the whole night). Like the true dog whisperer, I brought out the mischief in him. He has been behaving a lot more hyper the last couple of days since I came over. However, also like the true dog whisperer, I have gotten him to stop crying so much (1. because I'm getting more energy out of him and 2. because the god of war is already growing up). I think the funniest thing that I've noticed so far was him crying today. I had assumed during the last couple of nights that he was super upset, tearing at the cage, etc. while he cried. But today I put him in there when I was trying to take a nap (I wonder why), and he was crying while he PLAYED!!! with his stuffed animal and rope. I mean this puppy is rolling all over the cage throwing his stuffed animal around and chewing on it like he's actually enjoying himself, and he's screaming bloody murder at the same time. Now I don't think I will feel so sorry for him next time, although I guess I should be glad that the terrible sound is muffled by the plush Rhino in his mouth.

Appropriate pictures will follow of my handsome dude once Ashley or Deborah finds my camera USB cord.

Fact of the Day

As every earthling may know if they've heard me talking recently, I am currently teaching To Kill A Mockingbird to my 8th grade students. There's a delicious scene in the book where a doggy has rabies, not the traditional violent rabies, but the dumb rabies (yes, there are two types according to my research). So this sparked a candid conversation with my students about the painful vaccinations that need to be administered multiple times if a humanoid happens to get bitten by a rabid animal. Apparently the shots are given through the (GET THIS) BELLY BUTTON. A couple of my students actually had to get this when they were little kids in Mexico (once again proving that America may be going downhill but at least we still legally mandate vaccination of pets [not sure if chimps applicable])

so while the biting bitter bitching cold of Chicago may be a bit too much at times, at least none of us got a shot through our belly button today. oh yeah and today was warm enough that i had one of deborah's beers on my porch. things are starting to look up!!


p.s. i'll give a chocolate heart to anyone who correctly guesses what famous author may have allegedly died of rabies

Oh Wow

I guess it did work, so there are no more excuses to generate. I will start my first real entry off with a joke:

This guy walks into a library, goes up to the counter and tells the librarian, "I want a bacon cheeseburger with pickles, fries, and an RC Cola."

The librarian replies, "Sir, this is a library."

The man apologizes, and then whispers, "I want a bacon cheeseburger with pickles, fries, and an RC Cola."

(This joke would be more effective if spoken instead of read so don't underestimate it's ability to make humans laugh.)

I'm Back?

After much attempt to change the hideously outdated blog name "Beccasexy" to the gloriously modern "The Becca Machine" apparently the fruits of my labor have been performed in vain...

And so I ask: Am I back?
Should I continue posting or start a new blog account or do nothing at all....


Answers will come eventually maybe

Headache

im not going to say any names but somebody got me sick this weekend, so today i have been playing hookey. i did manage to go to my advisor appt. and i also managed to make it to work (which is where im at right now) but aside from that i ain't done shit all day. i threw my neck out on sat from holding my head weird to keep my wig from falling off (only to have some creepy baby rip it off) and then from spending a half hour with my head down the toilet puking. but aside from that i guess im good. i got $20 in a halloween card from gma westfall and last nite luke treated me to starbucks. i want to dress up for halloween tomorrow but im guessing my body wont make it. who wants to buy me a puppy for christmas? i'd actually prefer a mutt, so u could just pay for all the shots and i'd consider that a present as well. maybe a year's supply of dog food or something too. get creative.

Who Knew?

-puppy treats could taste so damn good, especially cheese flavored ones

-a record would be broken in springfield for the earliest snowfall ever this week

-you can ruin a hamburger (if becca cooks it)

-they make peanut butter without that nasty oil in it now and you can buy it for only a $1 more. it tastes delicious

- little redneck debbie joan who slept in a laundry basket as a baby would end up living in chicago wearing power suits

Well, you know now

I Have Decided

in a conversation today with the best sister ever i was told that i might like living in the southeastern united states. but i havent ever really been to these states (or for that matter most of the country) so i wouldn't know. i therefore have decided that sometime within the next 10 years i am going to travel to all 50 states and decide if i like one better than illinois (which i thinki will). hell maybe i'll even get a camper and a dog and do it like travels with charley (a book by john steinbeck that no one's probably heard of). if u want to join me let me know.

Next Time it Won't be Cooked!!!

My how I love SIU! Thank God for 28 year old Seniors. If it weren't for them we would have no one to represent our true student body (except those lowlife losers who try to get you to vote for them every semester by giving you a sucky piece of candy).

Things I've Learned in the Past Month

1. apparently you can get out of a speeding ticket by asking the officer to cut the dialogue and just give you the ticket already. also make sure to add in that you're in no mood to talk to anyone after spending the day with your mom and you're in no mood to come up with excuses for your driving

2. my roommate will fuck me if i buy him a bottle of absolut. one of my other roommates has volunteered to pay for the bottle of absolut.

3.you can still get lost (if your name is becca) taking a trip that you've done for 4 years. super excellent. (deb-mom just called me to apologize for cussing at me earlier today and used the phrase, "I hope you can ever forgive me for this")

4. everybody seems to think that deborah is an ugly name. i think we even got mom to finally agree on this one. i can tell right away that a relationship with a guy isn't going to work if they always calls me becca.

5. dont ever go to a tailor in carbondale. it will undoubtedly lead to some sort of incident that will leave you frightened and bewildered, and while these incidents generally lead to good stories, sometimes these carbondale tailors can cross the line by uncrossing their bras and nobody (well maybe luke) wants to deal with that.

6. a lot of shit has happened in springfield that I was completely in the dark about until this weekend. why mom doesn't tell me these stories instead of talking about all the yardwork she did that day and what type of cookie she baked i dont know. perhaps this is where i get my excellent story telling ability from (if not DEFINITELY gma perry)

-the whole city has gone smoke free which has caused a huge uproar. im very surprised at this one-never thought they'd actually get that passed

-the owner of china buffet got arrested for operating a slave ship. apparently all of those workers were actually illegal immigrants (shocking) and weren't getting paid for their work. he may have even beat some of the workers with a wet noodle (probably lo mein resembling). i am sad because this china buffet had the best fruit in town. their sushi left a little to be desired (seriously who eats raw fish off of a buffet) but the fruit was always good. apparently everyone in the world but me had already heard about the china buffet controversy (except my little friend at la bamba who pretends that he can't speak english and charges sandy extra for her nachos because she refuses to go on a date with him)

7. kimonos like ketchup

8. it hurts when a five year old kicks you in the shin

9. you can go to the doctor simply to get out of writing a paper and actually have the doctor discover you are sick. it's up to you to decide whether you actually buy the medicine or not.

10. i am fatter than mom was when she got married. i guess she didn't have the beer belly.

the westfalls are hairy girls

today while out in the sunlight i noticed that i am currently proudly sprouting three dark hairs on my right big toe. i decided to pluck them mainly not because im embarrassed of my big toe hair but b/c im curious to see whether the hair will grow back and if it will be stubbly (which would be quite funny). guess we'll have to wait to find out. but for now i can report that plucking ur toe hair hurts just about as bad as breaking ur toe (which i think i just did). while writing this my pizza rolls in the oven burned but im still eating them. i yelled out loud at my pizza rolls for deciding to burn themselves which my new roommate overheard and she gave the wall the crazy look (but if u ask me she's the crazy one giving the wall facial expressions and such) i then said "lunch is served" in my head and realized no one ever says that. people say "breakfast is served" and "dinner is served" but i dont think i've ever heard "lunch is served". yesterday i tried to flick ashley off with my middle right toe but i couldn't so i think i re-broke that one sometime since spring break without even realizing it. im kinda disappointed but what can you do? o yeah and my summer so far is going ok. i guess some people may want to know that.

Nicknames I have Had

Chunk n Flow
Re-Rebecca
Smartgirl
Bocca
Motormouth
Blanket
Squirt
Reborcia I
Sunshine
Trouble
Becca Sue
Gretl
Squirrelmaster
Vicki
Peach
Little Debbie
Puppy Westfall
Rebecky
Chubocca
Chewey
Bubble Girl
Reba
Grandma
Susie Q

probably am leaving some out that i cant remember. u get extra credit if u can match more than 10 nicknames to the person(s) who call(ed) me it

Quaker Rice Snacks

Quaker Rice Snacks are about the best damn snack food imagineable i dont care who u are you will enjoy quaker rice snacks!!!!!! if i have to choke them down ur mouth....the only downfall of quaker rice snacks is that they are so good i can't get enough of them. cheese + styrofoam who knew it could be so addicting. every time i buy a bag at $2.50 at walmart i wait two days to open the little brewt and then it's like b-bye that very second. i could easily eat five of these bags in five seconds because i dont think they have any calories whatsoever and thus i never get full/tired of having my fingers encrusted with powder cheese. i really should stop buying them altogether but i just cant help giving into my little quaker rice snacks!